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October 30, 2003
cold cold water surrounds me now / and all i've got is your hand
just breath, right?
has been my mantra for many a month now.
i get restless, i told him, when i feel not in control of something in my life. i sometimes try to change things to exert some control (obviously in venues i have control, which is rarely what is bothering me). or poke at the stuff currently in my life. to remind myself or to distract myself. probably as distaction more than anything else.
i've finished my presentation for the conference. i sent it to my mia prof for comments. in theory, we are suppose to present them to him over the phone tomorrow. he has not been answering e-mails all week. therefore i need to write my notes for it and to learn and right all the notes for the oxide pres i am also giving. i have been running at full speed for weeks now. the pressure has been fairly intense since last week. so now that it has faded back to the low level anxiety about the presentation themselves, as i'm done with collecting data and putting the pres together. i am feeling a lack of motivation to do the notes. i have this afternoon after class. though i think i am going to that after class and then go home early. i haven't been home in forever and should go activate my replacement credit cards and wash some dishes and pick up some so packing on saturday won't be a nightmare. then i get to spend some time with my boy. yay.
though i feel like trash. it isn't like lack of sleep. i think it is stress taking it's toll. i am looking forward to getting back to a place where i am running regularly again. (actually am looking forward to that opportunity next week as i'll finally have time, even with the conference). i look forward to not grading as i spent 10 hours this week grading homeworks and midterms. this was just not my week. i have already work 46 hours this week. and i have a quiz in my class this afternoon. haven't really studies. it should be fine, i hope. i just don't care. all of my care has been used up. uck. i am in the worst mood. my head aches. that is probably my problem. i do not do well with feeling not good.
sigh. mmmmm. i guess i haven't posted in a while. this past weekend was amusing as ben and i went to his grandmother's wedding. yeah. it was small (just her kids + fams and his kids + fams. and two dates.) ben's mom and i get along well. we laugh a lot. at everything. his whole family is shorter than me in bare feet, combined with my shoes which had a small heel on them, i felt v. tall. it was good. we were fed a lot. that night we went dancing with ben friends. it was a lot of fun. i love that i have a b/f that likes to dance. i worked sunday. i hoping this is the last sunday i'll have to work in a while. (i've been working at least 4 hours on sundays for a while now).
oh my god, i need a nap. i am so edgy.
i am excited that i'll get to see jahn, kent, and carter one my trip out east. and that my cat will be well taken care of. dude. he rocks.
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Posted by christina at 1:43 PM | Comments (0)
October 29, 2003
i haven't died, i swear.
i haven't died, i swear.
i am just seriously busy. like i don't even really have time to be typing this. it will all be done soon. and i'll post.
life is beautiful. well, work is super busy and not super friendly. i've been working like mad. though i did finally just leave last night at 8 (monday it was 10:30). i had something to do that at that point (and at all points) was just more important.
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Posted by christina at 12:46 PM | Comments (0)
October 23, 2003
show me where the sun comes through the sky / i'll show you where the rain gets in
the friction tests go round and round.
so, i had given up getting my arkansas license replaced before next saturday when i have to get on a plane. so i went this morning to get an illinois id. i was all proud of myself that i found and brought all the proper paperwork. i drove the 45 mins at 7:30 am just to be asked at the front door information desk if i had a license. i explained, yes, but it is lost and it takes a while for them to replace it and therefore i need an id card to get on a place. the mean lady said that they can't give me one cuz i have a license in another state. my only option is to take alllllll the drivers test. (which i definitely don't have time for.) but i have to get on a plane, i said. she didn't care so much.
so i left, decided to try again at a new place and just lie. so i call chris (cuz i knew he would be free and have an internet connection) and had him look up another drivers license place for me to go to. oh, like 20 miles away. so off i go up the shore to a north north suburb. i lie. i'm nervous. i hold my breath. i flirt. i make up a boyfriend that works around the corner at dunken donuts. (though once i thought about it, i probably was closer than i've ever been to ben's school.) i sign something that probably just made what i did a crime. but i got out the door with an id. thank god. you would have done it too. though i do think if i ever want to get an il drivers license i am going to have to take all the tests. sigh. oh well. this situation called for drastic measures.
i learned that one should (1) have a copy of one's license if one lives out of state and (2) should keep one's passport current. live and learn.
life is alway an adventure. i just didn't really have the time for this one to take 3 hours of my day. but am thankful that i have such a flexible life (and a great friend) that i could get it taken care of.
and round.
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Posted by christina at 6:39 PM | Comments (0)
October 22, 2003
to jump for your heart and to never come down
dude. busy busy. the stupid nanoindentor will not engage for me right now. i better after i change my sample in my chamber. i really need to finish indenting this sample before i go home. that, i hope, will be 8. sigh. whattcha going to do? i have that attitude about so many thing – my research, my wallet (which someone decided they wanted more than i did at walgreens on monday, and so i am going through the process of replacing everything in my wallet. the biggest pain is my id – it is an arkansas drivers license. the main problem (beside not being about to get into bars) is that i have to get on a plane next saturday. it takes an act of God to get a new license from arkansas, but i definitely don’t have time to take the drivers test in illinois for a license here, so i am doing both in a way. i am doing to paper work for the arkansas license, and also getting an il state id card. thank God i found my social security card. i knew exactly where it was (though in a random place) but couldn’t find it there the first time i looked. tomorrow i am going to venture out to niles first thing for the id. then i can drink and get on airplanes.) dude, that was a long ().
i have no idea how i am going to get everything done, but i have faith i will. if only the stupid nanoindentor decides to cooperate.
I hate npr pledge drives.
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Posted by christina at 6:36 PM | Comments (0)
October 19, 2003
and i will wait to find / if this will last forever
work on sunday. i actually have been working on sundays for a while. just a couple of hours though. i should work more, but there are more important things in my life. like playing super mario brothers. ; ) okay, that was yesterday. pink lemonade and stoli is very dangerous. i should've remembered, and i did kinda as i made sure i ate a big dinner. but i still ended up at the end of the night with the room spinning. uck. though ben is amazing. he tucked me in, turned on some music and carassed my hair until i fell asleep.
pink lemonade night is friday nights at a gay bar. we go occasionally and make a good night about it. we had about 10 friends from the department there. it is amusing to me that i can go to a gay bar and still get hit on by guys. (granted, i got hit on by women too.) we drank. we chatted. we danced. i got to talk to an friend's ex who i adore and am all sad i don't get to see anymore. though that friend is now dating one of my good friends, and i am so happy for them, but i still can miss his ex. it was hard to see him friday night as it was the first time since the breakup. i forgot how much i adore him. sigh. so it goes. that is life in the work where people break up.
speaking of. there have been a lot of break ups in my life in the past month. (ironically as i was starting a relationship.) it is hard for me as i want to make everyone better, but i know that it is much hard for them. i just wish i could have answers and soothing words. i just listen and be there. that is the best that i can do.
i need to think of a halloween costume. i've never really dressed up before, but there are a plethora of parties this year. i'm current soliciting suggestions.
less than two weeks from my conference. i am stressed, but it is low level stress. i just do the best i can and trust that whatever happens is dealable. i've worked hard and have been plagued by problems that haven't been my fault. i am looking forward to seeing some friends while i am away. carter is coming up that weekend i'm staying with kent - so it will be awesome. i am very excited. i am also v. happy that i have amazing people in chicago that i know are going to want to take care of my cat.
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Posted by christina at 2:00 PM | Comments (0)
October 17, 2003
so it's not hard to fall / when you float like a cannonball
it has been one of those weeks where i cannot believe it is friday, but i am so happy it is (two word – sleeping in). i have ran from thing to thing and when 6 comes each night i wonder where the time went. it is amazing how my life has changed in the past month.
work is crazy busy with classes (i am taking two and taing one) and with my trying to get much stuff ready for this conference. i am still stressed about it, but now i am finally back to working on that project and so at least i feel a little in control. i work like 60 hours a week. c’est le vie. i like working. i still see ben almost every night. it works out. i just want to stop having to come in on the weekends. that is the hardest.
it has been a great week, even though i have not had time to post. i had two homeworks due in the past two days, so that was taking up all my down time in the lab. ah, classes.
the cubs lost. it was a heartbreaker – especially tuesday when we were ahead and it looked like we were going to win the game. it was a sad night, though i do have to share that i had my first knowing the bouncer experience. i meet ben in wrigglyville for tuesday’s game. of course it was like 7:30 before i got down there. it was crazy and all the bars had major lines in front of them that weren’t moving (as no one was leaving). ben knows this bouncer at the bar he was at and when i got there just came out and got me in. it was strange to cut in front of this huge line of people and just walk in. i had guilt, i must admit. but hey, that is what b/fs are good for, right?
last night jen and steve had us and leta and steve’s old roommate over for dinner. they are all vegetarians / starchtarians. i brought carrot cake (yum). then we went to this cool bar around up the street where they had a million types of beer. i had a fabulous raspberry beer. it was a lot of fun. the juxtapositions of ben’s group of friend and mine is very funny. i enjoy it. steve and ben, of course, hit it off. this is the second boy i’ve introduced that has developed a little guy crush on steve. they do have a lot in common and have the same temperament. it is why steve and i get along so well. but him and ben have the music thing. it was the first thing that ben wanted a tour of in their apartment – steve’s guitar cases. it amuses me.
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Posted by christina at 12:03 PM | Comments (0)
October 14, 2003
'cause i can't believe what i found
mainly, i have the best people in my life. work can suck. (and boy is it sucking.) but when it comes down to it, i don't think i have ever been so surrounded by love in my life.
i had a great weekend. had dinner with a friend, got dressed up and danced a little with my boy. slept in. played some supermario brothers. (dude, i am totally on restriction until after my conference.) graded some papers while ben played guitar along with our new favorite cd. went and saw chris o'riley play radiohead on the piano. it was an amazing concert. (so amazing that someone even skipped watching the cubs game for it.) then we stayed up late late late pretending we were undergrads again. it is like i am living a second undergrad life. one fairly different than the one i lived before. but just as good.
damien rice. that's the new fav cd. it is amazing.
chilly and rainy. but not cold yet. it has been beautiful weatherwise - an indian summer they say (though it just feels like a southern fall to me).
there are some really great bars in chicago. last night we crashed this nu med school thing to see some of ben's friends. lindsey and i were trying to get ourselves picked up last night. lindsey is ben's best friend's girlfriend. it is strange to be in that situation where i am becoming friends as the girlfriends. we do enjoy laughing. we like to people watch, and so we laugh at the people we watch.
i have got to start sleeping more.. tomorrow is going to suck. (as late nights always hit me the day after the next day.)
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Posted by christina at 3:53 PM | Comments (0)
October 10, 2003
that's why, darling, it's incredible
it was really hard to get out of bed today. certain people should not get random days off. it makes me want to take random days off too - especially since it is so beautiful outside. but alas, i have class. and my advisor is around today. i want to just mainline caffeine.
so, there is the haunted house that i've been thinking we were going to twice this week. the first time we didn't end up going because of the cubs game. (which is okay, i concede, as the cubs so rarely make it this far.) we were going to go last night, but it got shut down because of fire code violations. chicago fire code enforcement is way up cuz of the E2 club tragedy - which i understand and support. but aren't haunted houses inherently fire code violations? that is the whole point - they are dark and scary. i know two people who are participating as actors, so that is why we've been trying to go so early.
so this past week has been beautiful. the weather has been warm and amazing. in evanston, specifically focused on northwestern, there has been an infestation of lady bugs. there are lady bugs everywhere (including in my lab and in my classes) in addition to blanketing everything outside. and the surprising thing about lady bugs is that they bite. yes, and it hurts. dude. it is so weird. i use to be a fan, but now not so much.
sigh, i even bore myself with my happiness now. okay, not really, but i am still so happy. when i went down to the machine shop to get my target lathed, they had unforgettable playing. it is a great song, but a little strange to hear it wafting through the machine shop which is filled with burly old men and lots of machining equipment. it did bring a smile to my face as i sung quietly along with it as i waited to be helped. and now it is in my head, which is actually a great song to have in my head right now. cuz it is incredible.
i was asked what i need in my future to make me happy. i've always had the idea of what would make me happy - my career, a lover. to my surprise, last night, i realized that my attitude has changed. yeah, my career is important, but not really. grad school has shown me that i can do anything and survive. i've put a lot of work into my degrees so yeah, i want to put then to use and my passion is science. but really, when it come to the answer - what would make you happy in 5 years (or so) - my answer is i don't know, but i know i will be happy. there are a lot of things i think i want, but, really, what you want rarely makes you truely happy. true happiness is being happy with what you are given. oh yes, and i need to love and be loved in return.
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Posted by christina at 2:06 PM | Comments (0)
October 8, 2003
and every word is nonsense but i understand
very tired. past not complaining (cuz its my fault) and moving on to just complaining. : )
dude. who am i? last night, i joined ben et al at a bar right next to wriggly. we sat out in the beer garden were we could see the stadium. we watch the game on a giant widescreen tv which had not been calibrated correctly as the top and bottom were cut off. thus i never really was sure of how many outs or strikes or balls or where people were on bases. it was annoying, but i survived by just adding those questions to my usual baseball questions to ben. the coolest thing was we could clearly hear the crowd at wriggly. the tv broadcasts 7 seconds behind real time. so we always knew when something good was about to happen on tv as the crowd would already be cheering. it was quite interesting. the game was good. ben is so into it. i still think it is cute. i wish we'd won, but it is only the 1 of 7. Prior tonight, which contrary to my assertion to steve earlier that i was taking the evening off baseball, i probably will end up watching it around west wing as i do love me some Prior.
the most random thing of last night (besides me intently watching 3+ hours of baseball) - i was walking through the crowds in front of wriggly last night on my way to the bar. there were people everywhere. i was talking to carter on my cell phone (i wanted to share some of the wriggly baseball with him). i was just intent on getting through the crowds and to the bar. i wasn't really paying attention as i accidentally ran into a person, i said a quick sorry without really looking, and moved on. a split second passed then i heard my name being called. it turned out that the person i ran over was leta! so random. she was meeting some friends who had gotten her a ticket for the game. out of the 40,000 people just inside the stadium, not counting all the other people in the surrounding area, i ran over my closest friend in chicago. dude.
i do have to say that i love this time of year, not because of baseball, but because of the noble prize announcements. it fascinates me.
see, now that it more like me.
: )
and the most random thing i've read in a while
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Posted by christina at 12:09 PM | Comments (0)
October 7, 2003
when i've got you i'm gonna hold on, tight
i watch a lot of baseball. i actually am enjoying watching a lot of baseball. Well, i enjoy hanging out with my boy, and so therefore i enjoy watching baseball. but i also actually enjoy watching baseball. i got all into the sox - a's game last night. Though i did not need to see the collision of the two players a million times, though. the last inning was very dramatic.
falling is bad for me, as it is for you, i say to him as i climb down the ladder from the roof.
the addition of ben to my life has added a interesting sprinkle of theatre people. last night we laid on a roof with some friends. it was a beautiful night and not really all the cold - just a little chilly. we compensated by curling up real close. the sky was clear, and we could see a number of stars, a planet, and the gorgeous moon. chicago is amazing. from lindesy's roof we could see the some of the downtown skyline (like the sears tower) and wriggly field. moments of perfection have become more the norm than usual. this morning as i was driving up the lakeshore, the sun was rising and the lake was beautiful in the morning light.
oh yes, theatre people amuse me. i just laugh. i am also so intrigued. they talk about auditions and call backs and monologues. it is so random to me. lindsey sees this commercial on tv and says she auditioned for it. so random. it is awesome. i am also amused how different i am. especially when a greeting conversation between two of them involved the phrase – velcro rollers, i’ve finally found the magic. dude. i laughed.
oh, excitement today with the announcement of the noble prizes in physics. superconductivity is really cool. i can’t believe that it took this long for the prize to be awarded for it. it is also interesting that 2 of the 3 scientists are in illinois. and i think one of the prizes handed out yesterday or so also went to a scientist in the chicago area. i didn’t realize that this part of the country was such a hot spot of scientific achievement.
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Posted by christina at 1:09 PM | Comments (0)
October 6, 2003
it was not a chance meeting / feel my heart beating
still breathing.
i told chris on the phone this weekend that work has to suck; it is the swing of things. If work was going well, in addition to my life going well, than i would explode of happiness.
the weekend was good, though a bit odd. odd only in both of my nights took me to unexpected places. friday i got some new black pants (yay) while the whole city watched the cubs win. i then met up with ben (who was at the cubs game) to catch up with a friend of his, steve, (who i hit it off with in the couple of times we've hung out). we ended up at a guy random to me, not so to them,’s house where there were 10 drunken frat boys playing flip cup (a drinking game). it was amusing, though random. it is funny to me how that was totally not my life in college. i rarely went to frat parties. (and when i did it was the delta chi band party variety.) i was amused that here i was 24 (almost 25), sitting in this apartment, being the only girl, watching these boys play this drinking game. i guess i should mention that my boy was not playing this drinking game, but outside having a goodbye conversation with steve. ben is definitely not the frat boy type (which of course you know if you know me at all), which makes it all more amusing the hour we spent there. steve's b/f was also there and so we curled up on the couch once he was released from the drinking game and commiserated with each other.
saturday, what was going to be a quiet dinner and a movie night with leta, turned out to be drinks before dinner, then a drunken dinner at clarke's and then up to evanston for a dept'l party. clarke's chicken salad pita is heaven. they have to put crack in it.
sunday i pulled myself away from the warm bed to come spend the afternoon at school doing my x-ray homework. now that was expected. and demanded. it is becoming really hard to work on the weekend. there is just much better things to be done. like laying around.
oh, and i watched the cubs game. even if i wasn't dating a huge cubs fan, i still think i would watch, oh wait, no. i doubt i would. i was going to say since it is such a big deal up here i would watch it, but no, i probably won't have. but with that being said, yay for the cubs! baseball continues for chicago. : )
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Posted by christina at 1:00 PM | Comments (0)
October 3, 2003
all in all there's something to live / with you...
friday. coffee. good.
work yucky. life beautiful. very happy.
addicted i am. not such a bad thing.
calves weirdly cramp. hope that goes away.
dancing tonight. lots of dancing in my life lately.
cubs play. go cubbies. laugh at my baseball knowledge.
trust good. really good. it is a decision. to trust. which i made. i trust.
yay for visiting kentie in november!
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Posted by christina at 9:48 AM | Comments (0)
October 1, 2003
a star made a wish on us tonight
yesterday i had a whole rant about guns inspired by this story, but it was lost. i don’t have the energy to write it again. i actually don't have the energy to do much. i'm frustrated with my homeworks. i am okay with my chamber. i am tried and that has exasperated my insecurities.
it was along my usual lines of children killing children with guns they find and play with just cements my pro gun control stance.
yay cubbies. it was a great game.
when did microns become crazy big to me. ie someone wants 2 um of coating. i think - that is crazy amount of coating.
wow. my concentration is shot. i feel like it would be better for me to go lay down on the couch and take a nap than anything else. i need to figure out how to do the simulation for my class i'm TAing.
just breathe. that's all i can do. and trust.
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Posted by christina at 4:44 PM | Comments (0)