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March 21, 2003
[gets us nowhere way too fast]
thrusday, in the damp fog, i walked from the el to school. i passed two separte people going toward the el with big suitcases in tow. it made me wish that i was going home to my mom and dad. it was a random feeling. but i still kinda feel it. am i finally old enough to be a little homesick? i think it is more that i don't have that type of life anymore that i can go home for a week and lay in the hammock in the damp, honeysuckle scented evenings in arkansas. it will be june before i have my next chance to go down - cuz with classes i can't take fridays off.
but a little bit of arkansas is coming to me - courtney comes saturday! and for that i am excited. the weather should be good for our wandering around plans. it is spring jacket weather. damp, cool. hmmmmmm.
work is going well - better than usualy when i don't have classes harassing me. i made a film tuesday kinda by myself - with a lot of help. but at least i am slowly getting it. slow is actually not good in the changing sample process, as you want to minimize the amount of time your vacuum chamber is open, so i still get a lot of help in that process. yay for my film though.
it is the first day of spring. i could make all sort of comments, but i am currently not caring about much, and i really don't care about that.
i am wishing for my hamock in the honeysuckle scented dusk of my parent's backyard.
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Posted by christina at 12:35 PM | Comments (0)
March 17, 2003
[i'm making my peace / making it with distance]
it is so amazingly beautiful here today. i forgot, and i mean literally, forgot what outside warmth was. i took the long way to school today. meaning i got off two stops early and walked through town and then through campus. i had to go to the parking office and that was the way to do it. it was such a beautiful morning and i really enjoyed the walk. i forgot what it was like to enjoy a walk. then i spent the morning chatting with the girls at school. we hadn't done it in a while, and so had to catch up with everything.
this weekend the book i was reading made me ponder the question - if i could be doing anything, what would it be. I truly think i would choose what i am doing. though i know that if i wanted to do research for any length of time past this little adventure, i would say that i would totally be wanting to be doing something else.
see, i tried to think of things that i would rather be doing, and whenever i thought of something, i pictured myself doing that with my life and knew that whatever i would be doing, no matter how much i wanted to be doing it, the want of this degree would make me always want to be in grad school. now, what i do after this, God only knows. thank god that i am not going into debt for this, for if i decide that policy is not my thing, then money would not be holding me back from running a camp in the middle of the woods, or to teaching chemistry to high school students, or to get a pych degree (the current desire).
the book i just started this morning is going to make me want to be a therapist, i just can feel it. i love helping people, but i think it might also kill me on the frustration aspect. of those people who wouldn't want to help themselves.
today, as i was suppose to be jumping right on in with research, i was reminded that i can't do this for my life. i can do other people's research, understand other people's break throughs, but to have them myself, i'm not so sure. that idea haunts a lot of us here in grad school.
so, anyways, my work guy is not around, so i can't do what i want to do. part of me tells myself not to stress, it will all work out. come june when classes are out for the summer, i will have it all under control. and that should be interesting.
the one thing i accomplished today is filling my social calender for the next two weeks. i'm skipping st patty's day stuff in protest of no recognition of the ides of march. (actually i just want to read my book, and now if i go out tonight, since my nonstop evening plans start on wednesday and last for 1.5 weeks, i am going to be ready to kill myself at the end if i make it 2 nonstop weeks. between us being out of class and ready to rage and a friend's birthday and two weeks of perspectives visits (therefore lots of taking them out) and courtney coming in the middle (yay!) life is going to be busy and i intend on preparing by laying in the sun and readying my book. hmmmm. )
sunshine, warmth, i wished the visitors would stay. but alas, tomorrow bring clouds and rain and cold.
on my walk home between school and the el i passed a little table set up with two cute young girl selling girl scout cookies. they had two teenage supervisors. it was so cute (i almost stopped and bought some, but i didn't, though now i wish i had). it was like a little lemonade stand in the middle of a neighborhood. it made me smile.
tax time. i have to file in 3 states. it would be two if i even conceded my arkansas residency, but i like never living where i am a resident. it makes me happy. i've always felt like a transplant. first from albuquerque, then from arkansas, and now, from the south. i'm not up on all the tax stuff, but i love electronic tax programs cuz i tried to fill out the GA by "hand" and it so confused me. so i used the program. i'm going to try with my il and ar, but alas, i might break down and by a state programs for them. arkansas shouldn't be so bad. i'll owe them some tax probably. like a membership fee i guess. i ended up getting a fair amount of my ga tax back (yay) so maybe i'll get some il. i haven't actually payed that much ($79) so i'll probably not get anything worth back. oh yes, i love the tax freedom project. this will be the last year (hopefully) that i'll be able to use it. though i don't make a lot anyways, so maybe i will. : )
so i just did il, and i'll get $11.50 back. i'm donating to the homeless fund. all this tax money back is without taking myself as a deduction. (my parents due for insurance reasons) i wonder how much i would get back if i did take myself. though i'm sure it doesn't compare with the benefits of my parents taking me as a deduction. i heart my parents.
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Posted by christina at 9:09 PM | Comments (0)
March 15, 2003
[she's gona drink the sun]
today and yesterday have been amazing days in chicago. the sky is blue. the air is warm. the breeze is nice. for the first time in a long time the lake i gazed out on while working out yesterday was brilliantly blue. sparkling in the sunshine. it was beautiful. patches of snow and ice still exists in the shadows. but the sunshine and the upper 50 degree temps shrink the piles. i just gone out in my fall/spring jacket later. last night i wore it and my gloves and was not cold at all on the way home at 2:30 this morning. [cute pic from last night - joe, me, steve] it was sooooo nice to not feel like i am going to freeze to death when i am outside for more than 5 minutes.
it is st. patrick's day weekend in chicago and what is usually a little noticed holiday in my world, is cause for massive celebrations here. if i was into big crowds and green beer, i would be so happy. but since i'm fairly anti large crowds, i'm enjoying the beautiful day here in my apartment in my quiet neighborhood. the big parade downtown is happening right now. and the southside has its big celebration tomorrow. now you know. i'm enjoying the sunshine with my windows open. the sunshine and warm breeze always makes me feel productive, so i'm currently doing laundry and cleaning in spurts. mostly i am just laying around reading a book. really, it is how i am most happy.
most people hate their jobs. that is a comment that i hesitated to agree with last night. but i guess that it might be true. but not most, just a lot. too many imo. i plan on loving my job. and on some level i do love grad school. i've discovered (though the book i was reading this week and finished last night) that i am a proactive person. i never pegged myself as a proactive person cuz i am definitely a wait and see and it will turn out how it should, but inherently i am proactive, which causes a lot of my restlessness. if i am not happy with a part of my life, i am always brainstorming solutions. if i am not happy with how much i am getting done in the lab, i am thinking about what i could be doing, who i could be bugging to show me things, etc. if i am unhappy with my romantic life, i am thinking of ways to meet new people. if i am bored with my routine, i am thinking of things to get involved with, old hobbies to pick back up, things to make this week different than the last.
wow. i just realized that it is the ides of march! my favorite holiday. seriously. it is totally my favorite holiday. dude. i can't believe the chicago is allowing it to pass without notice with all this st. patty's bru ha ha.
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Posted by christina at 3:50 PM | Comments (0)
March 14, 2003
[the remedy is the experience]
i'm a stay at home student today. it reminds me of undergrad.
i'm a stay at home student today becuase when i got up this morning i did not have enough hot water pressure for a shower. so i worked on my paper until the office open, which then i called and they came and had it fixed with in the hour. but i stayed home anyways becuase my advisor is out of town and the main thing i had to do today is write a paper, which i did here in my pjs. mmmm. then had dinner with joe (it's his birthday) and ran errands. He brought a bunch of gold fish for his tank. and an algae eater. the guy at petsmart was very very amusing. and i was in a million question mood and learned all about the squawking bird. of course the pet store made me want a cat. but we are definitely waiting until after allergy boy comes and visits. so maybe this summer. currently i really want a cat.
so i went to wal-mart this past saturday. there is not one close to me, but there is one close to the airport, so i went there after i dropped sara and kentie off. i was looking at my receipt and there is something on there for $8 that i cannot figure out what it is. it has a very, very strange description. i am very confused. and it is driving me crazy what it is. i really want to know. but it isn't exactly convient to go by and have them look it up. i just want to know!
my advisor, as mentioned, is in china, and i am basically now done with classes for two weeks. so i think i am going to take next wednesday off and go get my oil changed and go to the walmart out there and have them look it up. so random i tell you.
it is weird to not be busy. this quarter has not been that stressful, but it has been a steady stream of stuff that i need to do. so it is weird to not have anything that should be done. i feel all productive today, so i feel like i am wasting that productivity. oh well. so it goes. next week i am vowing to jump head first into research stuff - i found out this week that the guy who is currently working on my project and who i thought was going to be around for a while is leaving at the end of april. i guess he isn't a grad student. i have not a clue. anyways, it doesn't matter, all that matters is that i only have until then to become an expert is the magnetron sputter. i understand the theory and stuff, but the actual nuts and bolts kinda freaks me out. what if it breaks. i have no idea what to do. it is plasma system. plasma. that is all i have to say. plasma.
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Posted by christina at 12:04 AM | Comments (0)
March 12, 2003
[i look around a while for something lost / maybe I'll find it in the end]
so after i thought i was definitely in for the night yesterday, and was even pondering crawling into bed with my book to read for an hour or so, my phone rings, and without much thought or discussion i am on my way to nevin's for live band kareoke. it was a late night for a school night (though i've had later, but i had a lot of fun. this time we had more people, so 4 songs were done by various people in our group. my quartet did like a virgin. my friend is all about madonna. we also staying in the karaoke part this time and watched all the other people go. it was a lot of fun to sing along with people (that is what i love most about karaoke - the singing along with people as they sing).
i can't believe it is so warm. i can't believe i think this is warm. my exchange on the way home last night when it was like 40.
in the bar last night, i met an applied math grad student from arkansas. she had gone to a podonk college for her undergrad. it kinda didn't make me respect the applied math department.
so there is the guy i see every so often in spac. he always has a towel in his mouth. it is the weirdest thing. and not good weird. ucky weird. he worked out beside me one day and the whole time he elipticaled he had the towel in is mouth. uck.
speaking of spac. i love the feeling of getting back into the working out groove when you haven't been in a while. now that life and classes are calm, i am back on my regular schedule. it feels good. but i am sore as i added weights back in to my routine which really haven't been in since i left georgia.
today, i wonder if i am going to be able to married. i get so restless. i always want my life to be different than last week. i jump from thing to thing. book to book.
the radio station is currently giving away tickets to my top of the list concerts - jimmy buffett and matchbox twenty. sigh.
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Posted by christina at 10:30 PM | Comments (0)
March 11, 2003
[and please don't tell me / perhaps, perhaps, perhaps]
written at noon. i am so tired. it is noon and i've been in my lab for a little more than an hour and i feel like i am going to go to sleep at my desk. i worked out this morning (for the first time in over a week). i tried not to push myself too hard as i am sick and knew i need energy to get through the rest of this day. but alas, i failed. i was just feeling too good at the end.
i've been seeing lots of planes lately. granted, i've been to the airport the past two saturdays, (and this past one, i was sitting at a light and a place flew within 50 feet of my car (okay, distances allude me, but it was close)) but i have more been noticing them in the sky, while i've been driving, this morning while working out. they are amazing. the long tubular body. the sun glinting off the aluminum skin. they have all been close enough (cuz i live in the o'hare flight pattern) that i feel like i can reach out and pluck them out of the sky like toy planes and hold them in my hand.
colliquem was actually interesting today. though no matter how interesting you are, i always zone out about 40 minutes into something. my brain just can't pay attention that long. it was about nanoscale stuff (isn't everything?) out at Argonne. the guy was the director of the mat sci program out there and was a good presenter. one of the interesting things about being at the level where you direct research, is that you also have to present other people's research. i think that presenting other people's research would be hard. especially when people ask you about the nuances of the research that there is really no way you would know if you didn't do it yourself.
so i was in the library today getting bound journalage to copy out articles for my paper. all the journal pre 1998 are on the 1st floor in truly what i consider "stacks". they are the moveable shelves that live closed up on a track and you have to press the button for the aisle to open up, which causes all the selves to move so you can get to your book. it is quite amusing. well, today i confused it so it thought that someone was in the open aisle, therefore would not move to let me to the other journals i needed. there is no one in the aisle! i told it. it was holding my journals hostage. after much walking through the open aisle and getting out to try to reset it, and pushing the reset button a million times and getting no where. i finally went up and got a library worker. of course, when we went down to the section that i confused, it was now working for someone else. i was annoyed, but more glad it was working. turns out though, i was an idiot and didn't realize that the 3 journals i had left to get where post 1998 (only the pre-1998 journals were down there) so the journals i needed where up on the third floor, in normal everyday nonchristina hating shelves.
you get a lot of words today becuase i was all about writing at school today (mostly becuase i've been printing stuff all day and therefore have lots of down type with the computer). i always think of things during the day that i want to write about, but when i sit down at the end of the day to post here, i always forget. i also am currently in love with the click-clack of the oldish keyboard that i use in the lab. for whatever reason it makes me want to write more, and type faster. i think it goes back to when i was learning to type in keyboard at lakeside high school my sophomore year - the click clak of the typewriter. i really didn't learn to touch type there. or probably in high school. i would definitely say it was an acquired skill out of necessity. i would end say had i not gotten into iming, i think that i would be a much slower typer. though, thinking back to not long ago in my one finger typing stage, it is quite amazing that i can touch type with more speed that i ever remember from before.
ohmygod, i did not freeze when walking home today. it is currently 43. this is unheard of!
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Posted by christina at 9:29 PM | Comments (0)
March 10, 2003
[It's all she loves, it's all she hates]
liberal arts my ass. i am totally annoyed with the lacking of northwestern science and engineering library. half of the journals that i need are not there. i am totally missing tech's library (which i did go see had the two journals i need, including electronic access to one of them). uck. there is definitely a plus in going to a school whose focus is science and doesn't worry about the rest of everything.
coke in the bag. at some point in the journey from class #1 today to class #2 my diet cherry coke got punctured and spilled all in my bag all over my stuff. my poor bag - it's been through a lot. my poor stuff. lots of it is now covered in coke - including the homework i just turned in. i didn't have time to recopy it - nor did i particularly care. i know that the ta will just laugh.
beat you to it. rachel, the little sister, called me this morning at 9:30 becuase she heard on the radio that it was 2 degrees in chicago. literally. it was. it was a record low at o'hare. i gather this was news in hot springs, where, she told me, it was going to be 70. remind me again why i moved to the cold. as much as i love chicago, the cold is making me count down the winters until i move. 1 down. 3.3 to go.
amusement of the day. so i take this online quiz that give you the places you should live http://findyourspot.com. i answer all of its questions and give it my info and out pops a list of my best cities.
Little Rock, Arkansas
Portland, Oregon
Eugene, Oregon
New Orleans, Louisiana
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Corvallis, Oregon
Salem, Oregon
Shreveport-Bossier City, Louisiana
Las Vegas, Nevada
Alexandria, Louisiana
Hot Springs-Hot Springs Village, Arkansas
Monroe, Louisiana
Baltimore, Maryland
Medford, Oregon
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Washington, District of Columbia
Honolulu, Hawaii
Sacramento, California
Milwaukie, Oregon
Heber Springs-Greers Ferry Lake, Arkansas
Holiday Island, Arkansas
Las Cruces, New Mexico
Astoria, Oregon
The top one - little rock, ar. the city i spent most of my life swearing i would never, ever (nevin) live in. albuquerque is 6th and the place i spent the first 11 years of my life. hot springs is 12th - where i spent the next 7 years. and would consider moving back to if i could run my policy dreams from there. since i can't - good thing dc made 17th. I have no idea why so many AR places showed up - it has no input for where i have lived. all it know is that i now live in chicago. i think it has to do with all the weather questions. though to satisfy those, i would also think that atlanta would show up. it is just amusing (and random). and no, i have no idea where holiday island, arkansas is.
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Posted by christina at 11:17 PM | Comments (0)
March 9, 2003
[southern trees bear strange fruit]
somebody, who will remain nameless (starts with a c and ends with a hris) calls me today and leaves me a message about being in the part in 80 degree atlanta sunshine. sigh. it is 12 degrees here right now.
my presentation is very interesting - at least to me. i found this really nice technical paper on the environmental impact of lubricant. i stumbled upon it while looking for sources for my orginal topic. so i changed. not that i told my advisor (who is teaching this class) - mostly becuase it would admitting that i didn't start this until today. the paper is the base of my presentation and paper. they have given us very little guidance on this whole thing, so i am assuming that it alrighty. the paper is only 1000-2000 words. that is 2-4 single spaced pages.
i haven't done a term paper since my public policy classes in undergrad. this is really short to do much. i guess it is more like a background lit review on something. okay, that gives me a little more guidance. anyways. the subject is really, really interesting. i think it is going to be a really interesting presentation for the class.
science is in my genes. nurture vs. nature. it is both, definitely. but science is in my genes. my grandfather was a scientist - an electrical engineer. i looked his publications up today. he, of course, did things completely not in my interest - but he was a scientist back when not a lot of people were. he knew some of the great scientists of the nuclear age. i wish i had asked him about it when he was alive. but it was not meant to be. some things (well, many) one has no control over them.
happiness. my external computer speakers have started to work age - so now i can listen to internet radio. yum. and it has been enough time since i was last addicted that there should be lots and lots of new shows on my favorite station.
randomness. we watched the matrix yesterday. you won't have noticed unless you know chicago. but as they call out the locations of the hard lines, they are totally intersections in the loop. that was cool. it is such a cool movie. i am so excited about the sequels. dude.
cough, cough, cough goes the christina.
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Posted by christina at 11:55 PM | Comments (0)
March 8, 2003
[maybe she'll help me to untie this but / until then well, i'm gonna have to lie too]
i cannot believe how fast this week passed, that it is already saturday and i took my wards to the airport and sent them back to the warmth. my apartment is quiet again. i enjoyed having people to come home to. kent and sara did an amazing job of seeing chicago; they were machines. in the evening, we did a good mix of staying in and hanging out and going to and doing stuff. anything with us is fun. that is what is so amazing with them. i laughed more this week than the past 2 months added up. we just laugh at everything all the time. i enjoyed having them here.
their presence made me miss other people more than usual. i thought it was weird - missing people more when i am surrounded with the people that make me the happiest, but, as sara pointed out, hanging out with them on some level made me think i was back in my old life and there was a noticeable hole.
so yes, the very reason i think we get on so well - that we are self assured and independent (along with easily amused), is the very reason we scatter across the country. sara is off to stanford in the fall for law school and kent to dc for the real world. both of those beautiful places to visit. once i am done with classes, i'll be able to travel more, so i'm definitely spending part of one february in sunny ca.
i have a cold and i'm tired of it and of the cold outside. though i just checked the weather and it appears that next weekend will bring warmth. good. i think that i am an excellent candidate for season affected disorder. the cold is just getting to me.
i have a presentation for monday and have stayed in to work on it (and becuase i feel like i have been out every night since january). the dishes are washed and the living room has been returned to normal status. i have no desire to look up random stuff for my presentation. though i can't complain much becuase i still have a week for the paper which i originally thought was due monday also. so, i'm actually not worried. though stress would be better to give me motivation to work. so it goes, huh.
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Posted by christina at 10:13 PM | Comments (0)
March 7, 2003
[i got it, the rememdy, the remedy]
albuquerque has this huge balloon fiesta every october. it was always a big deal in my ripe old age of the single digits. we would wait for the school bus in the park in the cold morning and watch the blue sky fill with hot air balloons of every shape and color. they were amazing creations. one that sticks with me is the mr. peanut balloon. the balloon was shaped like mr. peanut.
we would always go one morning of the festival down to the grounds to watch the balloons take off. the fiesta grounds were held on the south side of town in the rio grande valley. albuquerque mornings were cold and brisk in october. it was a treat to get hot chocolate and walk around to see all the balloons in the predawn dusk. the balloons would start out laid flat on the ground and we would watch as air blowers started to do the initial inflation of the balloon. soon, the propane touches would glow with fire as hot air was added to make the balloon float. a glowing balloon in the gray dawn is a beautiful sight. At the appropriate time, the ropes that held the now fully inflated balloon would be untied and the balloon and its passengers would float up into the sky.
i never did get to ride in one of those balloons, but i sure did love to watch them.
one of the things i want to do before, you know, i die, is to go back for the fesita one october.
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Posted by christina at 6:03 PM | Comments (0)
March 5, 2003
[empty lab filled with the noise of spinning fans]
i should be using this time to study so i can enjoy my time to play, but i am so out of it that it makes it impossible.
time flies when you spend it laughing. So it is wednesday and sara and kent and i have passed the past four days basically laughing. everything is funny to us. I have worked some, but i have also hung out with them a lot. Monday they went into the city while i was at work and then i cooked dinner, suja joined us after, and we hung out at my apart.
yesterday was evanston day. i took off the afternoon. they met me for lunch. we saw a movie, hung out in evanston and met so of my friends at the irish pub for mardi gras. : ) the big news of yesterday and today is that we have gotten a fair amount of snow. more snow then we've had since i moved here. kent and sara seems pleased by it, but i think the cold is driving them crazy. as it is me. i am sick again. again! i thought it was just laughing and screaming and singing that made my voice go away yesteday, but today the congustion has returned. so i took my major decongustant, i think for the last time. it just makes me tooooo spacey and blah feeling. i think i'll just go for the regular strength.
the snow is beautiful though. it is still falling. (or at least being blown around)
so i must work. i am meeting them downtown for steak and s'mores. dude. how can life be any better than steak and s'mores with my two favorite people.
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Posted by christina at 2:49 PM | Comments (0)
March 2, 2003
[take me tonight to the river / and wash my illusions away]
yay. sara and kentie are here. they make me so happy. i love how easy we exist, how we laugh. we laugh so much. i have not laughed so hard for this long since the last time they were my life.
we saw this play tonight i've been wanting to see - i love you, you're perfect, now change. we got great tickets for half price by getting them this afternoon. it was as great show. the nice thing about the wandering around during the day, they can go to the half price ticket booth and get tickets. so hopefully we'll see some other shows.
it is so cold. and snowy. we really thought the cold we going to kill us this afternoon. now we have cinnamon bread, british comedy, warmth, and laughter.
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Posted by christina at 11:19 PM | Comments (0)